Normal Variation in Individual Sexuality
Thirty years as a sex therapist has highlighted for me what should be recognized as a self-evident truth--that people are not the same sexually, in the same way that they are not the same with respect to height, weight, intelligence, personality, food preferences, general health, and so on. In spite of the fact that the many ways in which people differ sexually become evident from just listening to them talk about their sexual experiences, there is little or no discussion of such differences by authors writing in the field of human sexuality. There are the acknowledged differences in sexual orientation, but gay and lesbian couples can also find it difficult to negotiate differences in individual wants and needs.One of the most obvious ways in which people differ is in terms of their interest in sex, usually called sex drive. However, there are several other characteristics that also vary among individuals, as evident from the following list.
- Frequency of sexual activity. Some people hope for, keenly want, or desperately need sexual activity several times a week or perhaps even more than once a day, whereas others are entirely satisfied to have sex once a month or even less often. Although there is general acceptance that the need for sex varies, there is no agreement as to what, if anything, constitutes an abnormally low or abnormally high sex drive. It's easy to see, however, that there would be some tension in a relationship where one person wants sex several times a week and the other would like it less than once a month.
- Robustness of desire. Fluctuation of interest is a specific aspect of sex drive that can be confusing. Some people's level of interest remains reasonably constant no matter what else is happening in their lives, whereas others may switch off if they feel overwhelmed by other issues. This can lead to misinterpretation of motives: A person whose interest stays steady regardless of life events may seem insensitive, while one whose desire fluctuates may sometimes seem emotionally less committed to the other partner.
- Type of desire. Currently, the expectation in Western culture is that sex drive is about hot passion or physical lust, but for some people, desire is much more muted and may be softly emotional rather than intensely physical. How does one partner interpret the signals of the other?
- Desire versus response. This difference has been recognized in sex research for many years, but it doesn't seem to be widely appreciated in the community. Some people want to engage in sexual activity quite frequently but may not necessarily become aroused and orgasmic. Conversely, there are many people who aren't aware of any regular interest in sex and feel they could live without it, but if the partner initiates sex under the right circumstances, they can respond with enthusiasm.
- Initiation versus response. It makes sense that if someone rarely feels the desire for sex even though she may enjoy it when it occurs, she isn't likely to initiate it very often. It simply doesn't occur to her, and her partner may be devastated, seeing it as a rejection or an indication that he's not sexually attractive. An imbalance in frequency of initiation of sex can be a major hurdle for couples to overcome.
