Ease of arousal. Some people find it difficult to get turned on, and their partner complains that it takes a lot of work to start to get them hot, while others respond quickly. Sometimes, those who are slow to arouse are not confident enough to say what they need, or their partner persists in trying to stimulate them in various ways that actually turn them off. Nevertheless, the bottom line is that some people simply arouse more quickly than others.
Time to orgasm. Why do some people come more quickly than others? Should everyone be able to reach orgasm in a standard period of time? There are behavioral programs that can teach men who ejaculate rapidly how to delay reaching orgasm and that can help those with inhibited ejaculation come more easily, and there are strategies that will help women become aroused and come to orgasm more quickly. However, there will still be a range of times that it takes to come to orgasm, with some people having characteristic patterns of early (easy) or late (difficult) orgasm and others varying widely, depending on the circumstances.
Variation in response style. Perhaps this variable would be better termed variation in pleasure style. Sometimes, one partner has little interest in sex and doesn't really want to become aroused and have an orgasm, being quite happy to have quiet, cuddly sex, while at other times, the physical response is strong and urgent. This can be confusing if the other partner thinks sex is always about arousal, experimentation, and so on. And, Of course, there are individuals who mostly prefer quiet intimacy and find attempts at sexual arousal irritating, which can leave both partners bewildered and frustrated.
Variety in sexual behaviors. There seems to be an almost limitless range of things that people can do for sexual pleasure. Titles of magazine articles such as, “1,001 Ways to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed" give some idea of the smorgasbord that's available. However, it would be unreasonable to expect all people to like all of these behaviors. There are those who find particular acts abhorrent and those who find them simply boring. Some people prefer to rely on a limited number of tried-and-true activities, while others crave variety and experimentation.
Importance of sex. People's responses differ significantly when they're asked to rank the importance of sex in a relationship when compared with other variables, such as love, affection, companionship, financial security, children, and so on. Although studies consistently show that men tend to rate sex as more important than women do, this is a generalization, and either gender may give sex a high or low priority.
These are some of the variations in human sexuality that I have encountered in my long practice of sex therapy. I don't know how the normal/abnormal boundaries should be set, but it's my view that most of this variation should be considered part of normal human diversity.
Does this mean we must just accept how we are and not try to reach goals that may make sex more satisfying or relationships easier? If not, how do we decide what can be changed, and by what method? These are not easy questions to answer.
Certainly, sexual problems exist. If people believe they have a problem, then clearly something is worrying them. However, if they are comparing themselves with an unattainable ideal, their individual level of sexual functioning is not validated, and what is normal for them becomes defined as sexual dysfunction. The real problem confronting us is how to decide if someone's concern is a matter of definition and misinformation or if the behavior is truly outside the normal range. Even if it's not common, does this make it a dysfunction?
