The emergence of sex therapy in the 1970s encouraged the view that everyone has the same sexual potential. Behavioral programs to teach women to be orgasmic and men to delay ejaculation assumed that with the right strategies, everyone could achieve these goals. If these programs didn't work for some people, the usual conclusion was that they were suffering from some form of sexual pathology that was loosely labeled sexual inhibition. The logical conclusion that perhaps the particular goals or techniques weren't right for those people wasn't even discussed. Although sex therapy has undergone many shifts in recent times, the idea that there may be many definitions of a successful sexual relationship is still not usually addressed by either therapists or clients.
Instead, we have spent a lot of energy trying to identify the factors associated with sexual "failure." A common view is that if we "fail" sexually, there must be some sexual trauma or secret in our past to account for it and that not reaching the standard is inevitably bad and should be corrected with therapy.
Sexual Personalities
Look around at your friends, family, and colleagues. Each person has a unique set of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that make up the sum of whom they are. This set of characteristics forms the personality of the individual and is consistently present for that person. Some characteristics may dominate or be present in all interactions, while others may reveal themselves only in specific situations.In general, personality is considered to be stable over a person's lifetime, but not all characteristics are fixed or inflexible, and people can and do adapt according to circumstances and life experiences.
At the present time, there is a tendency to use sexual personality characteristics in a critical way. For example, for "conservative," read "inhibited"; for "shy," read "hung up"; and so on. However, if we acknowledge that each person has a unique personality and that what one person likes and admires in a friend, another may find annoying, then we can assume that the situation is similar with sexual personalities. In other words, what one person finds attractive, endearing, or exciting in someone else's sexual personality may be a complete turnoff for a different person.
Who is in a position to make a judgment as to which personality is the most functional? In the end, this judgment tends to become relevant only when an individual becomes involved in a sexual interaction. Of course, this brings into play the importance of the relationship between the two: A relationship characterized by mutual generosity, kindness, and gentleness is more likely to be able to resolve or accommodate differences than is one that is harsh, critical, and rigid.
Sandra Pertot, PH.D. , is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in private practice. She has been published in Woman's Day, Penthouse, and many publications in Australia where she lives.
Reprinted from Perfectly Normal: Living and Loving with Low Libido by Sandra Pertot © 2005 by Sandra Pertot. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 10098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com.
